My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
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Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”