garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
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Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
New favorite tiktok
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.