MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
You Might Also Like
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?