Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
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In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.