“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
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You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
😂😂
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
The smoothest fall of all time
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.