me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
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I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
me and my fake scenarios
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Why am I like this?
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.