Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
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Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
pep talk
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”