My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
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If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Oh no
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.