[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
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Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire