it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
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Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
My therapist after every session