Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
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choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*