I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
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*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I have so many questions.