For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
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Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.