My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
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You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
this is how life feels
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
How actors in movies eat their food
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators