I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
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Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap