I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Thoughts
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
why does this building look like a guilty dog
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now