good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
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My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man