Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
You Might Also Like
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Kids, do not try this at home!
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”