The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
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Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”