You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
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When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time