I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
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Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Worlds greatest photobomb
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?