WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
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As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django