The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
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If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
That’s no pocket rocket.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.