No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
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those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive