A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
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Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
🥶🥶🐶🐶
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.