88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
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They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes