“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
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Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
“i miss shittin on people”
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place