FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
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Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Worth a try
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok