If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
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I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I occasionally drink every single night.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?