My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
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next question.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
O Wise One….
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.