Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
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It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.