[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
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I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.