Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
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me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?