girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
You Might Also Like
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue