my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
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Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry