I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
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I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
we’re gonna need another temp
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻