Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
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person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?