If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
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Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Word!
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!