Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
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im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Erm I’m gonna say no
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)