I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
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I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”