Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
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[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.