What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
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ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Never ghost your hitman.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens