Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
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ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no