When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Choose your fighter
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.