I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
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My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I love you…
…r dog.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
i hope my email finds you on fire
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.