Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
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Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!