I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
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Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax