I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
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I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives