Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
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We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS