My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
You Might Also Like
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
The internet is full of many things
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*